No one left to lose
by Meowmixmeowmixpleasedeliver
Summary: In season 15, Olivia's world gets turned upside down. I don't want to give away too much... multi-chapter, twists and turns, all that jazz. First fanfic ever, so any reviews to give me some constructive criticism or show me the ropes 'round here would be much appreciated. As I believe you all say, Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson walked out of the 1-6 in quite a huff. She was pissed that she had let some perp rile her up like that. It was ridiculous, and she was better than that. She had been threatened plenty of times before, and it had never been an issue. _So what was different now?_

That was a silly question. She knew what was different: one of these scumbags had actually come through on his promise to hurt her. William Lewis had held her hostage and tortured her, and the fact that she still hadn't gotten back to normal was worse than it all. She returned to the apartment she shared with Brian Cassidy and slammed the door behind her, a little more forcefully than she had meant to.

"Bad day?" came Brian's voice from the kitchen. He had promised to get off of work early and make dinner that night, which was as frightening as it was thoughtful, given his hit and miss track record with cooking.

"Something like that," she replied.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." She wasn't ready to let anyone know she was losing it over a passing remark in an interrogation room. _At least she had Brian to watch out for her_. She shook off the thought. Dependency on another person was the last thing she wanted, so she smiled at her boyfriend and proceeded to have a lovely, if not slightly dry, salmon dinner with the person she loved most, hiding from him everything she had thought or felt that day.

The pair went to their respective workplaces in the morning, and Olivia shook of the scare from the evening before. Her day seemed like it would be a normal one. As she sat in the car with Amaro on a stakeout, she thought back on how ridiculous the whole ordeal was. The threat, while creepy, hardly seemed sincere. The eighth grade science teacher had whispered '_I'll fuck you like you just said you'd do _**_anything_**_ for an A in my class, detective." _ It wasn't even creative, or well thought out. the entire-

Olivia was snapped out of her revere by her cell phone ringing.

"Benson," she answered mechanically. Her lips slowly parted as a look of disbelief came over her face. "Shit."

Amaro stared at her in concern. "What's going on, Liv?"

"Drive to Mercy."

"What?"

"Now!"

"Olivia, I-"

"Brian's been shot, Nick! Just GO!"

Without another word, Nick started driving. Whether or not he approved of Cassidy, he was not about to go against Benson's wishes. He respected her as a detective, and feared her as the passionately loyal girlfriend of an injured officer. He flipped on the sirens and sped the entire drive.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia avoided Nick's eyes throughout the entire ride to the hospital.

"He's gonna be okay, you know," Nick ventured.

"You don't know that!" She spat back. She ferociously clung to her anger in an effort to avoid showing how pathetic she really felt. When Nick pulled up in front of the hospital she immediately hopped out of the car. She ran to the front desk and demanded to see Brian Cassidy.

"He's in trauma right now, third floor," responded the woman at the desk after some overly loud typing on a computer. Olivia raced toward the elevator. "Wait!" called the woman. Olivia paused and looked back with an annoyed look on her face. "You can't see him yet."

"Why?" demanded Olivia. She, of course, knew why. He would still be in surgery, of course she couldn't see him. She was just on edge, and her first instinct was to question whatever she was told.

The woman got a strange look in her eye. Was it... pity? "Just... just tell the nurses on the third floor who you're here to see, alright honey?"

Olivia didn't like pity, and she sure as hell didn't like pet names. She didn't have time to deal with this, however, and she continued into the elevator.

The ride was agonizingly slow. She looked down at her hands, then up at the other inhabitants of the elevator, then back at her hands. She was crawling out of her skin. A million thoughts rushed through her head: thoughts of the dinner she had with Brian last night, thoughts of how he had helped her after the whole ordeal with Lewis, thoughts of the danger she was in, and thoughts of facing it all alone. She shook off these thoughts. _He's going to be okay. He has to be._

Olivia stepped out onto the third floor and immediately felt overwhelmed by her surroundings. It's not like she was a stranger to chaos, in fact, she was so used to it that she found it rather calming. But this was different. This was about Brian. She pulled aside a nurse who seemed to be less frantic than the others.

"My name is Detective Olivia Benson, I'm here for a Brian Cassidy." She struggled to remain composed and formal. This was no place for a worried girlfriend, this was a place for a seasoned detective, someone who wouldn't shrink from the sight of blood and guts.

"Are you working his case?"

"No, I'm his next of kin."

The nurse's face immediately softened, and her expression became a compassionate on. "Sit here, honey, his doctor will be right with you." She motioned to a couple of chairs down the hall.

Olivia ignored the pet name and focused on the information that was given. _His doctor will be right with you. _So Brian was out of surgery. Or nearly out. While the danger might be far from over, it was clear that the worst was behind him. Olivia looked over as a man in a white coat approached her. He was out even more quickly than she expected.

"Miss Benson-"

"Detective." Even in this situation, she couldn't resist correcting him.

"Excuse me, detective, I didn't know. Detective Benson, I have some news about your boyfriend..."

She almost knew this speech by heart. She had heard it on many occasions, whether it was about Elliot, Munch, Fin. They tried not to get your hopes up, just in case the worst occurred, but-

"Detective, did you hear what I just said?" The doctor looked at her with his eyes full of concern.

"I'm sorry, what?" Olivia was snapped out of thought and back into the present.

"I... your boyfriend... I'm-I'm afraid he didn't make it. I'm so sorry-"

"No." Olivia corrected immediately. "He's fine. He's in critical condition, but it seems like he'll make it. He's waiting for me in the ICU."

The doctor placed his hands on her shoulders in an effort to calm her.

"Let go of me! Is this some kind of joke? I can't believe for a second that you thought you could just- the nerve!" She spoke firmly. Her voice did not waver. She broke into a joyless laugh that soon turned into tears. She turned to the doctor. "It's not a joke, is it?"

He simply shook his head slowly.

"Brian's not waiting for me on the ICU, is he?

The doctor again shook his head.

Olivia just nodded stoically and walked towards the bathroom. There, she cried into her hands and proceeded to think up all of the fun and imaginative ways in which she could kill herself.

A/N So um, that got dark, but it's not where the story ends, unless y'all think it should be... If you want to hate on it, go for it. I would, too. I know I published these first two pretty close together but I'm bored, so... Anyway, please review so I feel like I'm not just talking to myself!


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia froze as she noticed someone tapping on the door of the stall.

"Someone's in here!" she yelled through her tears.

"I know, Liv," came a male voice from the other side of the door.

This frightened Olivia, who was already quite on edge. What reason would a man have to be in the women's restroom if he wasn't up to something foul? And how did he know her name? Olivia was already reeling from the news she just received, and this new threat was not helping things. Her head was spinning until the voice came again.

"Liv, it's Nick, get out here." Olivia struggled to compose herself before opening the door.

"Nick, I don't need a babysitter," she snapped.

"Liv, I heard about what happened, and I just wanted to-" Nick started.

"Just wanted to what? It's not like you ever gave a damn about Brian. I'm supposed to believe you do now? Save the phony pity for someone who needs it, Nick. I'm fine." Olivia struggled to make her facial expression match the hardness of her words. From Nick's reaction, she could tell she failed.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Liv. And I'm here for you. 24/7, whatever you need."

"I need to be alone right now. Can you give me that?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea." Detective Amaro saw clear signs that his partner was not handling her grief in a healthy fashion. Nick, however, wanted to give his friend the space she needed. So after voicing his dissent, he allowed Olivia to pass him and go out the door. He eventually left the bathroom to speak to the doctors who had failed to save Olivia's link to sanity.

Olivia bolted out of the hospital and onto the street outside. For the first time in her life, she felt a slight urge to jump in front of every car that drove by. She shook her head quickly to get rid of the thought and instead held her hand up to hail a cab. She took the cab to their apartment- _her _apartment, there was no them anymore. The thought of this brought more tears to her eyes as the cab pulled up in front of her building. She went for her wallet, but realized she had left it in the squad car.

"Shit."

"It's okay. Free of charge," the cabbie gently announced. He had apparently noticed the tears in her eyes.

"It's not okay, I'm going to pay you. Just let me go up to my apartment to get some money." Olivia did as she said, but when she came back down, the cab was gone. She sat down on the front steps of her building. In some ways, the disappearance of the cabbie seemed oddly fitting. Everyone else around her was dropping like flies. Sure, not all of them had died, but one by one, all of the people she cared about were leaving.

First was her mother. Yes, her death had occurred long ago, but that didn't mean that it wasn't on her mind. Elliot had left. He had some excuse about not being able to live with himself after shooting a teenage girl. Bullshit. He wanted to escape the toxic environment that was created by SVU, created by her. Why else wouldn't he have called? Her brother hadn't spoken to her in years. Munch retired, and Cragen was soon to follow. Alex left. Casey left. Everyone left. Sure, others took their places, but the bond was no longer there.

So why had everyone she ever loved either died or jumped ship? Was it her? _No,_ she thought. _It's the job. _She chuckled mirthlessly to herself and shook her head. _But hell, at this point, I _**_am_**_ the job. _

She looked up at the sky. It was getting dark. Olivia stood up to go into her building when something grabbed her from behind.

A/N So no, there isn't an end to the drama in sight. I'm going to pull an American Horror Story: Asylum and have the bad things just pile up on one another. OR WILL I? Reviews are much appreciated, even, and actually especially negative ones, as I have NO IDEA what I'm doing.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia struggled against the arm that wrapped around her until she looked at its owner and realized it was Nick. "Nick, thank God! You can't scare me like that!"

His face stayed hard, though, as did his grip.

"Nick, what are you doing? Nick. Nick! Stop it!"

He didn't respond. he just took her to his car and shoved her into the back seat.

"Nick, talk to me. I know I snapped at you earlier, and I'm sorry. Nick, I'm so sorry. Please don't do this." Olivia slipped into a flashback of being in the back of Lewis' car. "Please don't hurt me!" She hated the words as soon as they had come out of her mouth, but it didn't change that she had said them.

Nick looked back at her in alarm. "Liv, what do you think I'm doing here?"

Her only reply was a soft whimper, so unlike her that it gave Nick the urge to make a similar sound himself.

Nick got out of the driver's seat and opened the door to the back, looking with concern at Olivia. "Liv, I would never... I was just worried, is all. I talked to Huang, and he said with your response you might be a danger to yourself, and- God, I really didn't think, did I?"

"When do you?" Olivia asked sarcastically, trying to get back to her true self and away from being a whimpering, pathetic fool.

Nick laughed lightly. "Are you okay?"

"Come on, Nick. I just got over the first round of questions like that, don't tell me it's starting again."

"Be serious."

"I am being serious Nick. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's pity. I'm tired of you all worrying. I'm tired of you all wondering. I'm fine. I will always be fine. You're just gonna have to trust me on this, Nick." With that, she exited the car and moved back up the stairs to her apartment. Nick followed her.

"Listen, maybe you are fine. That doesn't change that I'm worried about you, and I have a right to be. I _am_ your partner. You _are_ scaring me, and those two things give me the right. Please, let me go up there with you. We can order Chinese and have dinner together. If only for my sake."

"Fine," Olivia shrugged. They walked up the stairs together, never noticing the man watching them as they did.

Detectives Benson and Amaro did eat Chinese food together. They laughed, they cried, and they watched bad movies on Netflix. As time slipped away to leave only the wee hours of the morning, Amaro felt more and more confident about the sanity of his partner. At 3 AM, Olivia said she wanted to go to bed. Nick asked her if she wanted him to leave, expecting her to protest. Instead, she merely nodded.

"You don't have to be so stubborn, Liv. I already know how tough you are," He teased.

"This isn't me being stubborn, Amaro. This is me wanting you to leave. It's wildly inappropriate for you to stay here tonight." Nick looked crestfallen. "I'll see you tomorrow, Nick."

Nick nodded, and was out the door by 3:15. By 3:30, Olivia had taken a steak knife from the kitchen and was holding it a fraction of an inch over the pale flesh of her wrist.

A/N So... Cliffhanger! And despite what it may seem like, I don't think I'll do an Olivia/Nick pairing. I think she kind of sees him as more of a little brother, and romance with your little brother is so not cool. I think there was an episode about that. Anyway, review please! Enjoying all of the ones so far, but having some doubts as to whether or not to continue. Any thoughts?


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